Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence is an umbrella term. It refers to a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one person to gain or maintain power and control over another. Everyone can experience domestic violence, regardless of their race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender identity, immigration status, appearance, geographic location, etc.
“what does domestic violence look like?”
This is not an exhaustive list
Emotional and verbal abuse
“You’re nothing without me”
“No one besides me would want to be with you”
“I wouldn’t do this if you just did what I told you”
Using folks’ identities to cause harm or instill fear (i.e. sexuality, immigration status, faith or religion, etc.)
Physical violence
Threatening to harm themselves if a survivor leaves them or breaks up with them
Sexual violence such as sexual assault or forcing someone to do something they do not want to do
Domestic violence impacts everyone: survivors, friends, partners, families, and our entire community as a whole. Preventing domestic violence is 100% possible and everyone can play a role!
“what Do I Do if i’m in an abusive relationship?”
There is no right or wrong decision to make. You choose what feels right and safe to you. You are the expert of your life.
Survivors may be faced with multiple options and decisions. During this time, you may not want, or be ready, to make any of these decisions. This is common and completely ok!
If you would like to speak about your options (which can include housing, police reports or therapy), you can speak to an advocate 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You can call the DC Victim Hotline at 1-844-HELPDC (844-443-5732). An advocate can also connect you to other organizations that can support you with whatever you decide to do.
Additional support is available:
Hotlines or chatlines: You may want or need emotional support, coping skills or grounding exercises throughout the day. These hotlines are 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can reach out to:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: via phone (800-799-7233) or access by texting “BEGIN” to 88788.
DC Victim Hotline to be connected to a DC SAFE advocate: 844-443-5732.
Therapy: A lot of folks can find therapy a safe space to process their experience, speak about what healing can look like for them with a therapist who specializes in trauma such as domestic violence
Volare offers free, short-term therapeutic services for survivors, you can call: 202-742-1727 x 2
Some considerations:
Safety: This can be your physical safety or safety in general. Consider if you have a support system you can reach out to. Think about creating a safety plan, such as a person to call if you feel unsafe or unwell, or a safe location to go to. Know that you do not have to share anything you do not want to. You are in control.
Timeline: While some options are time-sensitive, support is always available for survivors.
You are believed: Sometimes it can feel like a gamble to share our stories or what we need support with. We believe you and are here to support you.
“Why did this happen to me?”
Power imbalances in our society are the root causes of domestic violence. Survivors are not responsible for violence happening.
Every form of power imbalance contributes to a society where domestic violence exists. For example, there are often power imbalances based on different identities people hold and they are treated differently because of this.
We also live in a culture in which all abuse, including domestic violence, is treated as the norm, and survivors are blamed for the harm experienced. Cultural norms and institutions that lack accountability for folks who cause harm, shame survivors, romanticize and justify abuse and communicate that survivors need to alter behaviors to prevent violence.
We need to have a cultural shift!
Domestic Violence complexities
Domestic violence can be hard for folks to understand and know how to support survivors. Below are some things to keep in mind:
Mixed Bag: survivors may have “good” or happy memories along with “bad” or hurtful experiences. This makes it very hard for folks to know what to do. It can feel confusing to be with someone who can be kind, thoughtful and loving AND can also cause harm and be violent. It can be overwhelming to hold both.
The Relationship: in domestic violence relationships, there is an established relationship, perhaps for years. This can mean that there could be feelings of love, care and connection. There could be attachment and comfort in knowing the person. This can be hard to leave behind.
What It Provides: often, these relationships can still provide something or multiple things for survivors. For example, it can ensure folks have housing, access to money, children being happy, love and company, etc.
“How can i support domestic violence survivors?” // “How can i support a friend in an abusive relationship?”
Often, when people are looking into a relationship from the outside, things can seem “obvious”. You may feel like what you are witnessing is abusive and may have made up your mind on what your friend should or should not do. This can be part of human nature, however, we want to remember that each person is the expert of their own lives.
We want to encourage and uplift a person’s autonomy and power. This is crucial as domestic violence is based on someone asserting power and control over another person or people. Being part of someone’s support system means we want to facilitate a supportive and safe space. We do not have to agree or be happy about their decisions but we can still support them. For example,
We can communicate our concern and support for them.
We can provide them with information about domestic violence like what is in this blog.
We can provide them with options available and have them choose what they want to do or what feels safest (i.e. call a hotline, inquire about shelters, create a safety plan, talk to therapist or someone else, etc.).
We can communicate that no matter their decision, we will still be there. Often, domestic violence can be very isolating and having people in your support system is crucial.
What Support Can Sound Like
“I’m sorry this is happening.”
“I’m worried about you; do you want to talk about it?”
“I looked around and found some resources, can I share them with you?”
“I’m not sure what to say but I’m here.”
What We want to avoid
Sometimes the best meaning things can have a harmful impact. No matter our intent, we can always be mindful of what we say and communicate. We want to be free from judgement, focusing on supporting the person. For example, we want to stay away from:
“Why would you stay?” - This puts the focus on the survivor’s actions versus the harm they are experiencing.
“If you don’t ______ then I can’t be friends with you anymore.” - This is replicating a power dynamic in abusive relationships. It is using coercion and manipulation in order to have someone do what you want them to do. And it further isolates people.
“Well, at least they didn’t _____.” - This minimizes someone’s experience. Abuse is abuse and there is no hierarchy. We want to validate people’s experiences.
For survivors with various identities, reactions to domestic violence can compound and look/feel different depending on these identities. This could mean that some survivors may face additional barriers when trying to access support and resources.
