Bystander Intervention IS Prevention!
Written By: Elizabeth Romary, Communications Specialist
[Content Warning: This story contains depictions and discussions of sexual assault. If this is not something you wish to engage with right now, that is ok.]
My first college party should have been basically unmemorable because of how unremarkable it was. I went into college knowing that TV and movies really inflated the party-going experience, but I didn’t realize by how much until I got there. The music was loud, too loud to have a basic conversation without risking rupturing a vocal cord. There were crushes of people barely able to move, slick with sweat from the Mississippi August heat. Also, no one really seemed like they were having a good time. They came to be seen, to make their mark in the first weekend of school, not to have a good time. It just wasn’t for me.
But, I went anyway, because wasn’t that what I was supposed to do? Go to the frat party, be seen by the other students? I clutched a red solo cup filled with water, standing with a few new friends I had made only a couple days before. But, one thing led to another (finding a bathroom, seeing people they knew, needing a drink refill) and we all eventually got separated. And while I was alone, I got approached by a guy.
It was a nice conversation, I think, because I could barely hear anything. There was flirting that I didn’t really register. Before I could really take stock of what was happening, his hand was on the back of my neck, his other hand sliding down towards my bottom. And I was being pushed inside the frat house. I started to panic. Why were this stranger’s hands on me? Where were we going? What were we going to do? But my body shut down, and I continued to be pushed inside. All I could think was “Is this wrong? What’s going on? What am I doing?”
We approached a closed door. But before he could reach out and open the door, I heard a “hey, man!” over the chattering buzz of the crowd. Two other guys started to approach us. My eyes went wide. My mind immediately went to any and all worst-case scenarios.
But, one of them said “Dude, somebody needs you out front”. The guy protested. The other one said, “Sorry, but you gotta go”. There was some frustration, and then I felt free of his hands. He walked away. I looked up at the guys that helped me.
“You okay?” one said. I nodded, unable to find any words. “Yeah, that guy’s a creep, so just wanted to make sure all was good,” he said.
Right then, I got a text from one of my new friends. They were right around the corner. I said “thank you” to the guys and let them know I needed to find my friend. They nodded, walked away, and I’m pretty sure I never saw them again.
I will be forever grateful to those two strangers for stepping in, for being active bystanders. Because who knows what would’ve happened if they hadn’t stepped in?
For a long time after that night, I didn’t realize what had happened to me was sexual assault. I thought that because it was touching and didn’t lead to “anything”, that I didn’t need or didn’t even qualify for resources on campus, resources I didn’t even really know much about.
Much later in my college career, I learned more about the spectrum of sexual violence and how any experience can have a huge impact. I came to realize that my school had a wide variety of resources with no "qualifiers" or barriers, and I could use them in a way that I thought would be best in my healing journey. I worked with friends to start an organization advocating for better sexual misconduct policy, and educating our peers on sexual violence, consent, and how to be an active bystander. I wanted to make sure that every student on campus knew about the resources we had, and that anyone could access them, even if they didn’t think their situation was “that serious”. I also wanted to make sure that folks knew more about how sexual violence is preventable, and that there were so many ways we could do that as students. I always told the story about those two guys who helped me. It was so simple, mere minutes out of their evening, but a major impact on my life.
Right now, we are in the Red Zone, the time period where over 50% of on-campus sexual assaults occur. It lasts between mid-August until the end of November. This is because of so many factors - students living on their own for the first time, access to more people, parties, etc. But, there is something we can all do about it. And a major part of that is being active bystanders when it’s safe to do so.
The two guys that helped me at the frat party were active bystanders by causing a distraction. They told the guy that someone was waiting for him out front. I’ll never know if this was actually true or not, but it got him away. This is what being an active bystander is - intervening when we see potential harm. It could be through distraction, it could be directly, like telling someone what they’re doing is not ok and they need to stop. It could be finding another trusted person to step in, or even trying to document the experience, with the consent of the person at risk, if there’s no safe way for us to step in.
By doing this, we are engaging in long-term prevention efforts that have the ability to change the culture around how we approach sexual violence, and not just mitigating it for a night. Instead of responding to an incident after it happens, bystander intervention can stop it before it occurs , by calling out and/or diverting potentially harmful behavior. We can communicate to those causing harm and others that what they’re doing is not ok and will not be tolerated. This is how prevention starts! And if we keep going, I truly believe we can create a world free of sexual violence, for good!
