This Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month, My Body Is Taking Center Stage
Written By: Benny Del Castillo, Engagement Manager
[Content Warning: There are recollections of sexual asssault and mentions of molestation, body-shaming. If this is not something you wish to engage with right now, that is ok.]
And just like that…it’s April again. I adore April, yes, the warmer weather reminds my brain to release more serotonin but also because its Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month! Wooooo! But working where I work, doing what I do, having had the experiences I have had, thinking about sexual violence and plotting on how to end it, is truly a year-round thing. Throughout this year, though, one “theme” kept coming up not only for me but for folks in my community: the concept of trauma and its connection to endurance or to be more specific, being able to endure.
Now, I’ve had a couple of these conversations - like why are all of our beautiful trauma-filled selves doing these “endurance” movements? And I think a lot of us landed on the concept of, well when you’ve been through some tough stuff, you can get through anything: marathons? Sure, we can train for months and be on our feet for hours. Chasing the burn on those split squats with endless reps? My childhood prepared me for it!
And yes, it makes sense! But I truly believe it goes beyond that. I think it’s more of a love letter, to be honest. Don’t worry - this will not be too pukey! But isn’t it true? When I first got into running, I was truly in awe, like “Who is she?” “Look at me go!”. I saw myself defy limitations and barriers that I had put on myself. I was astonished by what my body allowd me to do. And for some, that may be what we should be saying to ourselves everyday, however, for me it never was. My body was never truly something to be admired.
And even now, as I write this, I still hold that part of myself: feeling like my body was nothing more than a piece of trash someone used and when they no longer needed it, threw it away. Oh yea, we’re going there…because it's reality and I know in my bones, I am not the only one who feels or has felt this way. Trauma, am I right?
When I was sexually assaulted in college, I woke up suddenly with a “friend” on top of me. The next time I woke up in the morning, I was on a different couch, dressed again, my underwear on the side of my jean leg. I was quite literally discarded after I was no longer wanted. Like trash.
How does anyone get past that? Because no matter how long I chose to not process what had happened, to put it safely away in a sealed box in the attic of my mind until I felt “ready”, my body felt the impact. My body kept remembering the dirtiness, the shame and the undeniable feeling of unworthiness.
And it kept coming up for me - as trauma does. Even if I hadn’t confronted those memories or that experience, the feeling I had toward my body was impacted by this and by all of the prior experiences in my body: molestation, constant sexualization as a child, fat-shaming, general body-shaming, monitoring of food intake - I can go on and on! The messages I got from all of this? “It's you, you’re the problem. Your body is to be used - for others, not for you”.
And the saddest part is knowing so many other people can relate - to all the messages these experiences give us about our bodies. So the admiration I believe each of us should hold for our bodies and all they do, is not present often. Admiration? More like contant critique for most of us - all that blame, shame and disgust? We wear it like our favorite coat. We critique, we demean, we minimize, we push away…we do anything and everything except connect.
So when I PR in my barbell squats, when I run for hours and feel strong, when I feel my core burn as I do a headstand, when I land the splits, when I reach the summit of a hike, when I walk with the sun on my face - it is the biggest antidote. Because they all truly do the opposite for me - I have to connect to my body in those moments, I have to witness what it can do. I have to feel it. THE PRIVILEGE!
This Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, this is where I’m at. Don’t have too many answers, instead, I have more questions, trying to understand even a little bit more, each day. Still figuring out my love for my body and how to truly write a love letter every day.
P.S. To all survivors — I see you no matter where you are in your journey.
